Fans Slash Everything
by Bard-of-the-90's
Summary: It's a fact of life. And now the boys have to find that out for themselves. Rated M for gobs of language (it's South Park).


The Bard does not own any piece of South Park, and if I did, I would've run out of ideas during the second season. Misters Parker and Stone, along with their affiliates, own all. I apologize, as I haven't seen much past the tenth season (that and previous seasons I own as boxed sets). I was privy to the infamous Cthulu arc, but I can scarcely recall it, so sorry, I suppose. I apologize again for the foul language. I, the bard, NEVER curse in real life, but as a South Park fic, it was inevitable.

FANS SLASH EVERYTHING

We begin our tale as any episode of South Park may begin: the boys standing at the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are staring off into space when Cartman comes running up, huffing excitedly.

"You guys, you guys, you gotta come see this!"

Stan frowns at him. "What is it, Cartman?"

"Yeah, what's got you so riled up, fat tits?" Kyle joins in.

Cartman pauses. Instead of a witty comeback, he grins, looking between Stan and Kyle, and snickers softly. "So you're the catcher and Stan's the pitcher, right?" Cartman doubles over, laughing hysterically.

"Cartman, you know we all hate softball," Stan argues. This only elicits more booming guffaws from Cartman.

Stan and Kyle share a look and shrug, then look questioningly at Kenny. Surprisingly, he shrugs too. Cartman, still cracking up, glances at Kenny. "I almost forgot to ask. How's Butters?"  
"Mmph?" ("What?")

Cartman just rolls over and resumes his laughter.

Stan finally gives up. "Goddamnit, Cartman, what do you want to show us?!"

"Okay, okay…" Cartman wipes the tears from his eyes, still giggling. "We have to go to my place."

Cartman leads the boys to his house, into his room, and settles in front of his computer, where he's already pulled up a rather…familiar website. "Here it is."

"Okay…so what is it?" Kyle asks again.

"This, Jew-tard, is a website."

Kyle glares at him, trying to stay calm. "Dude, what is the website for?"

Cartman smiles innocently. "This, assholes, is a website called ." (AN: Oh, yeah, it's one of THOSE fanfictions.)

Kenny pales considerably. Noticing this, Stan asks, "What's a fanfiction?"

Cartman grins like a maniac once more. "It's a piece of writing. It's genius, really. People take others' work from shows and books and stuff, and write crap based on the characters. These guys are idiots, though, they don't make any money on their stuff, but some of the stories are awesome anyway."

Stan gives him a weird look. "Dude…you read?"

"Eh!"

"Anyway, what's this junk gotta do with us? Just 'cause you read in your free time doesn't mean we want to too. Why's it SO amazing you just HAD to show us?"

"Apparently, dill-hole, there's this show called South Park, like our town, where there's these kids all named after us, and the fanfictions are hilarious!"

"Dude, no way. I don't believe it."

Kenny guiltily shuffles his feet a bit. "Mmph mmph." ("It's true.")

Stan looks at him incredulously. "No. No. No. No fucking way."

Cartman, still grinning, pipes up. "Are you so sure, Stan?" He slides off of the computer chair. "Why don't you see for yourself? Check the 'cartoon' category."

Stan stares at the chair reluctantly, but jumps up in it anyway. "I'm calling shenanigans on you guys. There's no way that some idiots make a show about us. You're just trying to pull some Twilight Zone shit over us again…" Click. Stan grows quiet.

"What is it, Stan?" Kyle asks.

"Dude…this is too weird. Cartman's right."

"Hah!"

"What?!" Kyle is stunned. "There's a show about us? A cartoon?!"

"Uh…yeah. Everyone's here, too. Us, Butters, Craig, Wendy, even that Damien kid from Hell… This is some fucked up shit right here."

Kyle peers over the desk. "This…it…why…"

"Kenny, why the hell didn't you tell us if you knew this already?"

Kenny points at Kyle, who's rocking in a corner. (AN: Poor, Kyle. Always the one to have the crises of faith/reality.) Stan rushes over to him.

"Kyle, are you alright? Speak to me!"

"I just…I was right all along…it's just… We're just entertainment for others. There is no God. There is no anything. It's just…" Kyle looks directly through Stan. "Dude."

Stan rushes back to the computer, reassuring Kyle. "Calm down, Kyle. I'm sure this is perfectly fine. There's got to be a scientific explanation for all of this."

"Read one, Stan," Cartman urges. "See that I'm not lying."

"Okay." Stan scans the listings. "Look, Kyle, here's one about us, I think."

Kyle only grows paler. "And how is that a good thing?!"

"Hang on. Just…" Stan reads the fanfiction slowly, letting it sink in. "Dude, this isn't even that bad. It's about us saving Santa a Mr. Hankey again. It even talks about how we're super best friends." He smirks at Kyle and Kenny. "Cartman's even a retarded fat ass, just like in real life." Kyle shows a hint of a smile.

"Shut the fuck up! I'm not fat!" Cartman roars, dropping his Snacky Cakes. "Jesus, Stan, you didn't even read the good stories. This one's only a K+."

"'K+'?" Cartman shoves him out of the chair. He presses "back" and scrolls down to the "advanced search" tabs.

"Here, stupid, I'll do it." Stan frowns. "All the good stories are rated 'M'. (AN: *cough*) I'll just set it to that. Then I can set you fags as the main characters…and search." Click. "Now read one."

Stan climbs back onto the chair, exasperated. "…What the hell…? What's 'slash'? Or 'style'?"

"Just read it." Cartman grins (again) sadistically.

Stan's gaze wanders back to the index. He clicks one and begins reading it. Then continues reading. Then reads some more. As he reads, his eyes grow huge. Finally, he finishes, spinning the chair away from the screen. "Um…Kyle?"

Kyle snaps out of his stupor at his friend's voice. "What's up?"

Stan can't look him in the eyes. "Do…you…uh…have something to tell me?" He blushes bright red.

"What do you mean by that?" Kyle pales again. "What did is say, dude?"

"Kyle, I…uh…think you should just come out and say it."

"What?! What is it?!"

"Dude…if you're gay for me, then just-"

"What the actual fuck?!" Kyle interjects.

Stan stares at him, still blushing. "I'm not sure I feel the same toward you…but…"

Kyle indignantly rises, also blushing now. "What the fuck are you talking about?!"

"This story has us doing…things. I didn't even think guys…that it…why would you want to do that with me?"

Kyle, dumbfounded, rushes to the computer. Stan slowly rises and backs away a bit. "Let me see what the hell's going on." Kyle huffs.

As Kyle reads the story, he glances over at Stan warily. Finishing, he stares towards him, beet red. "I swear his isn't true!"

Cartman, who had been growing red in the face at their predicament, finally let out a scream of laughter. Kenny pretended to be distracted by the apparently amazing Cheezy Poofs. "I so told you! You guys are fags!"

"What is this shit, Cartman?!" Kyle yells at him, still blushing furiously. Cartman pauses, and then continues laughing.

Stan's eyes rise from his super best friend and so-called friend bickering to the computer screen. The gears in his head start working in overdrive. "I wonder…" he thinks aloud. Backtracking to the "advanced search" tabs, he alters the queries and hits search.

"Hey, Cartman."

Cartman, still giggling wildly, looks up. "Yeah, Gaylord?"

Swallowing the insult, Stan continues grinning. "You realize that ALL of us are listed as characters, right?"

"Who gives a flying fuck, cock sucker?"

Stan reads aloud:

"'Oh, sweet lord, Kenny! Fuck me hard! Ride me like a pony, like the fag I am!'…"

Kyle pulls his hat over his red face. Cartman gives a derisive chortle. "Look out, Kenny, the fag's after you next!" Kenny glares at Cartman.

Stan continues, grinning wider:

"'…Like the fag I am!' Cartman cried out in his sleep."

A pause fills the room. Cartman grows silent at last. The other three boys suddenly burst out into maniacal laughter.

"…Son of a bitch…"

A solid seven minutes later, everyone finally reaches some semblance of calm. Stan grins evilly at Cartman.

"Stan, did I ever tell you how much I fucking hate you guys?"

Kyle is the first to respond. "You deserved it fat ass, after showing us this bullshit."

Stan slides off of the computer chair and lands with a thump. "You guys, I've learned something today. I learned that there are crazy fans out there that want to steal other people's work for their own amusement, but more than that I learned that there's only one thing that fangirls ever ever want; hot, steamy, gay sex."

"Mmph mrn!" ("Amen!")

"But what about the whole part where our lives are just entertainment or others at our expense?" Kyle squeaks out, crestfallen.

"Who cares? We're nine." Stan answers with a smile and a shrug.

"Oh. Okay. Let's go play with trucks or something."

Now that all is right with the world, the boys file out of Cartman's room back into…uh…reality. Kyle suddenly feels a hand grasp his butt, and spins around to face his best friend, Stan, astonished.

"Dude!"

"Those stories were right; you do have a nice ass."

"Dude, you just said we're nine"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

~ (Time or whatever) ~

'"This will only hurt for a second." Damien assured Pip.

'"If you're sure…" Pip suddenly shrieked as he felt himself impaled. Damien leaned up to brush and then kiss his tears away, trying to distract him from the pain.

'"Okay…" Pip grunted. "You can move, I think."

'Damien kissed Pip once more, then slowly began to pull himself out before slamming his hips…'

"Kenny, we've been at the library for four hours."

Kenny glanced back at his mother. His fans would have to wait for the next installment it seemed. He saved his work on his flash drive, and then met his mom at the door.

"What in the world were you doing in there? It shouldn't take you that long to type a school report."

Kenny just shrugged at her.


End file.
